It's frustrating when we know we can't do anything to stop it.

It frustrating me when i know i can't stop the pain.
What pain?
You know...
No, i don't know. What i know is i am suggesting you to see a very very good doctor.
Hey, that's not nice! You just break another small pieces of my heart. I never manage to mend it the time it broke last year!

Yeah, yeah, whatever!
You know what? I gave up. I gave up to you, To ... and to them !!!
To me?
Yes, you!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!

What's The Damn Cool Bout My Blog?

I'm Lonely.
I Feel Dumb.
No Comments Please...

F***. I'm feeling silly and stupid.

Questions, Tears and Puppets. Chapter 2.

Huh...

Is there anything that could possibly distract me from everything? Just anything from everything.

My dearest wish - as i stated yesterday - was not to hurt 'Beliau' so much.

Huh...

.....

I think there might be some misunderstanding regarding the use of "Beliau" and "Dia". "Beliau" is always the same person. And "Beliau" is someone aged under 18 !! Don't you dare think that you knew this person. "Dia" is actually someone random.

.....

How i missed "Beliau". I would usually focused on the face, detecting any slightest hints of ... missing me.

Huh...

Missing the good old days.

Huh...

Still in a bad condition.

I really want to know how "Beliau" can survived? Why am i still here, standing doing nothing? Wow, didn't realize that time changes almost everything! Why and how did "Beliau" recovered so fast ?????

Please, i just want to talk to u, share everything with u, face u with all the strenght i have and say i miss u. Please.

Questions, Tears and Puppets. Chapter 1

Whoa. Never knew i would write about this again. Am amazingly suprised when a friend told me that 'dia' read my blog. Huh. That means this is not a personal blog anymore. Dowh...

.....

Do agree with these.

"How can i move on, when i'm still in love with u"
"Everything will change, But love remain the same"

This.

"I want u to know, u couldn't have loved me better,
I want u to move on, and so i'm already gone... "

And also this.

"I wish i could tell u i'm feeling better everyday,
that i didn't hurted when u walked away.
But to tell u the truth, I can't find my way"

Conclude that.

Arghhhhh! Never thought it would be a tough year. I never really did care bout that stupid exam. I just thought that maybe this year, Kak Aleen would be in the school for her first year in secondary, and i would get distracted, even just for a while.

What i want most was not to hurt 'Beliau' and in return, hurt myself so badly. How foolish. How can 'dia' stand to watch me from faraway when i can't? 'Dia' give reactions that i didn't dare to expect and it turned out to be some kind of an 'everyday expressions'. What the hell was that?

Please, i've been hoping for too long. End this hopeless waiting. I am determined to leave. I can't stand bearing the pain piercing. Can't let the tears holding back for so long. How many years do i have to wait until the right shoulder shows up? I must move on.

But how?

Yes, but how?

Run.

That's the best way. That's the solution that everyone's been using, and found nothing in the end but tears missing the past.

Transformasi Awal Tahun.

Aduhai, penatnya... Kenapa balik pukul 2:15? Sungguh tak bertimbang rasa lah.. Dah lah tu, mana ada bas yang boleh ambik kitorang? Terpaksalah naik RapidKL yang 'rapid' gila-gila tu. Ramai lak tu. Bayangkan, hampir satu sekolah memenuhi bawah jambatan ke bangunan DayaBumi, then cross Sg. Klang untuk naik bas. Not to mention yang membanjiri Central Market, balik sekolah melencong. Apa kes lah...

My second day as a 2010 PMR candidates memang menyeramkan. Cikgu-cikgu kitorang cool-cool belaka semuanya. No problemo, except for this one - Pn. Zaidah. Pn. ni ajar kitorang Bahasa Melayu. Agaknye dah puas main-main ngan Cik Seri yang lemah lembut, this year diorang pakat nak bagi kitorang rimau besar punye to teach teach us BM. Kelas dia on the last period. Before her class was En. Sabri's. So kiranya kitorang dalam mood yang okay-okay lah. Alkisahnya, Pn. Zaidah ni pun masuklah. Maka, kitorang bangunlah. Dia punye tenung kat kelas.... bukannya kotor pun. Dah bagi salam, dah duduk. Dia tengok kat buku kawalan kelas, "siapa Siti ... ?" 'Ah, sudah. Apa dia nak buat ngan aku?'. Terketar-ketar tangon ini mengangkat tangan. "Bangun". "Beritahu saya, 'Penggolongan Kata ada berapa?". 'Kata Adjektif, Kata Nama, Kata Pasif... Kata-Kata....' "Saya ni salah masuk kelas ke? Sayyidah Aqilah!" "tak tahu....." Muka dia tegang siot.. "Tak tahu? Awak ni Ketua Pelajar kan?" Pastu dia attack Brintha lak. Terkulat-kulat la Brintha. Fuh, terer gile cikgu nih dowh... Masuk-masuk, tak introduce hape, terus attack kitorang.

Cabaran dan dugaan....

Another Bla Bla Bla. 2010

2010 was just a few days away. Everything move so fast. As we grow, things around us change. Some people notice that, some don't. Things that change, are they good? Or bad? Even if they are good, do we like it?
I hate sudden changes, revolutions... I got shocked. And sometimes they give me a feeling of losing. Losing hopes, losing my dreams, my life, my family, everything i got. Sometimes, when i realize those sudden changes, i reminisce the year, and years that i have lived through. Reminisce makes me smiles, sad and blank. The past were a thing that is so big, we could hardly remember the whole of it. We could forget a friend's birthday party, or an anniversary and remember going into a shop buying a packet of Double-Decker, or falling off your bed in night. Big things are so huge till they're difficult to remember and small things are tiny, not important maybe, but we can't forget them. Lucky enough, this year i got a notebook with a planner. I don't put my plans in the boxes, but everything that happens on that day. Well, i did slipped some dates of public speaking competition, an appointment with a doctor in GH that i missed, and some birthdays...
In January, the boxes were grey, black, blue and some bold lettering.
In February, i paste a bus ticket dated 13 Feb 09. i look up, that day was Friday The 13th. In the 24th, 'Happy Birthday Manpreet' was written in brown. She wrote it herself.
Mac - 15 boxes, from 15 to 21, two green highlighter line that have labels on each box. "Cuti/Holiday".
1st of April was a day that i can't forget. There's 3 colours of highlighters here. Green - "April Fool :(". Pink - "i'm sorry !!" Purple - two underlines for Smart Kids event and the Kuala Lumpur International Book Feast. The book feast was incredible. Went there twice.
May was nothing except for the M.Y.E. [Mid Year Exam]. Oh, my parents went to Mecca to perform their umrah.
June - the trip to Melacca with Pandu Puteri, lose the coral speaking competition and 'Beliau' came in.
Seven is fun and Eight is something.
September ... a week off.
October, ouch !! My eyes hurts!! A flock of colourful colours is here, messing up the month. Mr. Fauzi and the other pract teachers left on the first week. Something terribly lovely happened the next day and the next day after that next day was Tasha's birthday. Exam starts on the 21st and ends on next week's Thursday. On Friday, Nike visited us.
November. School are coming to it's end. Wan's birthday. Activities the school had held, some undeserving victories, some food and a feast. Movies. On 22nd - I wrote, "just another wonderful day about him, with him". Huh, that don't mean anything.
And December. I just 'celebrate' MY birthday yesterday, 22nd. I'm 14. A day before, went to Penang for holiday. It's fine except for the confusing roads and signboards.

Hmm... I'm 14. And the end of next year, i'm 15. I'm wondering, and eagerly wanted to know when is my end? And on what kind of circumstances would i end? I think i just have to leave it to the Almighty, Allah s.w.t.

Of course, i had always dreaming, thinking, arranging of the future. I am very curious to know what it would be like. Is it happy, full of delightness or is it sorrow, with loneliness? I am surrounded with plenty of people that i love and care, but inside i'm alone. Atleast, at home. School was a place that is filled. Occasions, HOMEWORKS, teachers, friends.... I love school. But the school is a place that we aren't free. If we're not satisfied with certain things, we have to tell it to the prefects, that we dislikes. Or write a letter to the headmistress, that posssibly are going to tell the whole school on Monday assembly that the letter regarding so-and-so was sent by "Saw Anne So". And dear "Saw Anne So" have to come up to the stage, facing thousands of sneering faces that on their mind was "who's that chicken that thinks the school was hers?", or maybe "i think she must be transferred from the mental hospital this morning." or possibly "who's the idiot now, the headmistress or that stupid girl ?".

Anyway. How about ending the entry now? I don't have any ideas left for this entry. I hope no one would mind if this entry is completely lunatic and is not understandable.

I Don't Know What To Say.

Ingat tak entry lepas yang aku citer pasal My Family Day 2009? Well, masa tengah mengepos entry tu, masa aku tersangatlah terhad. So aku tak dapat nak citer banyak-banyak pasal "the family day". Aku just nak mark sini yang

"aku dah buat satu discovery yang awesomely hurting".

"How does an awesome discovery hurt you?"

Well, it's like this. Orang selalu cakap yang 'truth hurts, and lies worse' [erm, that's a line from broken string by james morrison ft. nelly furtado]. People, percayalah... You can't run away from the facts. Yes, it hurts. But you have to face it and bear the pains. You'll learn. You'll remember. You'll forget. And so do i. I've learnt. Of course, i do remember. But i won't forget. The pain and the crush so hurting you bleed in the inside. Haha, sorry. I don't cry. In public.

So, nampak apa-apa tak? No? Of course tak... Aku tak citer apa-apa pun. Ejad is a close relative, and his family didn't join us for that day 'cause he was in Bali, Indonesia. On the night that we had our BBQ dinner, a fucking cousin blurt out the facts. Right when i was swallowing my delicious BBQ chicken. Infront of my Ma'e !!! Her words would never ease my heart. She doesn't really understands me. I won't let her.
And the facts that hurts.
Wanna know what the fact is?
Hmm, let just say it got something to do with Ejad.

* * * * *

I felt something extremely different when i hear this song. Especially from the Hitz. Tv, Soulfood.

Part of The List by Ne-Yo.

Style of your hair,

Shape of your eyes and your nose,

The way that you stare,

As if you,

See right through to my soul.

It's your left hand,

And the way,

That it's quite big as your right,

And the way you stand, in the mirror,

Before we go out at night.

Our quiet time,

Your beautiful mind.

C/O: There're all part of the list,

Things that i missed,

Things like your funny little laugh or the way you smile,

Or the way we kiss...

What i notice is this,

I come up with,

Something new every single time,

That i sit and reminisce.

The way your sweet smell,

Lingers when you leave the room,

Stories you tell, as we lay,

In bed all afternoon.

I dream you now,

Every night,

In mind is where we meet,

And when i'm awake,

I'm staring at the pictures of you asleep.

Touching your face,

Invading your space.

Repeat C/O.

And you live in my memories,

Forever more i swear...

And You live in my memories,

Forever more i swear...

Repeat C/O

Oh, Oh, Oh.

Oh, Oh, Oh.

The video of it that i've watched on tv was something deep... I really liked that song, before i figured out what it probably meant to me. To me, the girl love him. They loved each other. But the girl seems to be hiding the affair from everyone's acknowledgement and she, then, end up cheating him. Well, that's the word that i could think of--cheat. She got a fiance. After the farewell.