I Wanna Call 'Em

I'm sittin for my PMR exams. The two last papers would be KHB and Maths, this Monday. Hahaha, baru nak nervous. Weirdo, that's me.

Tomorrow, gonna meet a long lost nemesis. Still sayang her though.

Am i a trouble? Nope, she says. "But whenever i'm near u, i'm in trouble." Gosh, that's hard. So, how about in school, are u troubled everyday? ... I didn't asked her that. And the earlier question, my friend had to ask that on my behalf. It's tragic, isn't it? Havin ur loved one as an enemy. Always want to hold and touch that person, but u just can't step into that lines. The lines that someone invisible created so that we won't hurt each other. Even if we both ever meant anything, we never realised it anyway. We are made of steel, untouchable. We don't even open up so much to each other, afraid that one of us will feel awkward with so much open-ness.

Therefore, if any of u un-existed readers understand this, we lost too many opportunities that has been laid out upon us, that we are too blind to see them, too much of ego inside ourselves to see any of those missed opportunities. We missed it. We didn't see the chances for us to mend everything wrong, to repair everything broken. Nearly everything are wrong and broken for us. Huh. Open ur eyes wide guys!

And...... hahahhahahahahaaaaa......!!!!!

Geeessshhhhh, i smiled alone only by writing this. Oh, nothing bout benda-benda di atas. It's something on the contrary. I mean, something else. Well, erm, an inspiration.

Smething that my friend had said about this affection of mine towards my source of inspiration flatters me.

He is my source of inpiration. I found a boy, really really cute, he should be our son - yadayadayada blablabla - in a tv ad. Right before 6.30 a.m., there's the ad, and me watching it before i go to school each morning. Yeppp, the one that inspires me. It's not that boy on tv, it's him in my mind everythime i see that boy! That boy act as a stimulant so that i could magine him. Oh, how i had missed him. I got butterflies in my stomach around him. And that, kind of giving me the spirits to live and smile each day.

Hahahahahaha, i kept on smiling alone, suddenly, whenever i have thoughts on him. I adore his laugh. It's expensive for me. I'll die to own that comforting, innocent, honest and lovely laugh.

I want to call them, my "Freaking Darlings".

Missing you in Action

Haih, if i quit, i will definitely miss you.. But they left me no choice, and i'm certainly can't go with you as i am a stupid shy girl. But i'd sworn not to fail this year, i wanted to put myself as high as you, i wanna be someone well deserved to be right next to you. I want you to see what i'm possible to do, what i can be and what i can do if i wanted to. I hate to think that you don't deserve me. I promise i'll be, and i promise you will be proud of me. I want to share the victory with you later.

You know, i treasure all the serendipity u made real for me. MAYBE u've tried to make it real for you, and in the same time, making a sweet, short, unforgettable memoeries for me. I remember my friends told me that u knew i have a crush on u. U were looking for me, finding me in my class, trying to know who i am. I really hoped i didn't failed u.

Then, we started to have classes together. Not every week, but we 'see' each other every week. I'm stupid. I don't know that u knew what i felt towards u, so when u're trying to communicate, I'm blank all over. I know that there were chances for me to get to know u, but i'm willingly slipping it away. Until now, i could never talk, see, look or do any type of normal communications with you. sorry... For a number of times, u will seat infront of me. U even offered me some fries u bought at McD. I think i did thanked u... When there's a little break, a gap where the teachers wants to take some time, u would turned around, not competely facing me, but enough to see me. Tasha teased us bout something, and i don't know what to react. U were laughing and i know that u want me to support u, laugh with u or whatever, but i just stared into my papers. I know,i know that u were a little bit disappointed, and i know that u're making conclusions. U see me as a shy girl who cannot keep her feelings well.

After that, we didn't see each other much as T and Ad have had an invicible fight. (I think Ad likes her,but he got this enormous ego that prevents him from confessing) Once, u opened the door for me. I remember this one day, a day after my debate, Ad saw me goin out the class. I noticed that he told u sth, that made u look at me. U waited for me, so that we could walk down the stair together. Thanks, Ad. But, as soon as we reached the door, a friend pulled me and said that we were late. I caught the disappointment in your face.

It's mid-term, and all my friends are quitin. My mum won't let me. How cud i refused to that? If i quit like them, how cud i ever see u again? Therefore, i stay. I was left alone.

Then, got this one day. U were drinking sth. U put it on top of ur table, and goes out of the class. I went out, to buy sth. U were sitting on a bench outside the class. I went in back again, and i know that i don't crash into anything. Then u came in. Ur water or whatever, it was on the floor, spilled out. U asked me whether i know who did it. Of course i don't, i'm too arrogant to know what's happening around me. I can guess that that changed your mood. Something happened, and u decided to sit besides me. Of course, an empty seat in between. Slowly, we began to talk (well, mostly it's just you). Did i lighted u up? If i did, i just wanna let u know that i'm willing to do that forever. The next class, i was a bit late. Since i was one of the earliest people to arrive, my lateness was still considered as early. Someone sat on my place. I have to sit in this row where the air-conditioner affects the people sitting there the most. I squeezed in the end of the row where the air-conditioner was a little further. Then, came in the class. two annoying girls, ur friends came in and sit at the front of the class. The row besides them was empty, so when u, Ad, Joshua and the others came in, all of u are expected to fill in the seats. U came in last, and the seats are filled. I was alone, and u sit besides me. As usual, an empty seat in between. which means, u are right below the air-conditioner. The two annoying girls wants u to sit with them, but u refused. While the teacher is teaching, i'm wondering whether u can stand the coldness. I am cold too, but u are right under the air-conditioner. I'm feeling sorry for u.This day was the day that i treasure the most. I have a sore throat that day, and i cannot speak. I am living that moment with u. How about u? Don't u too? Then, at recess, Ad decided to sit with u. Which means us. Which means, there will be no empty seat between us. Maybe u noticed that i am uncomfortable sitting really close to u, u moved ur chair so there is no way our chair could touch. But somehow, i noticed u slowly moved ur chair close to me. At one point, (this part, i didn't tell my friends) ur hand touched mine while giving me the questions. We both paused for a second, and move on. I kept still. Then, ur shoes somehow, touched mine. I kept still. I don't know what to do. That was my most unforgettable memory of u.

The next week, u took the other class. I was down. The second class, we have to exchange rooms. Urs to mine, and mine to urs. U let everyone in first, so that when i got out, we could meet. Ezlin tells me that was sweet. Haha, and u are even willing to take ur friends bags to get in our class. When i asked u bout Daniel, u look straight into my eyes.

Hey, u made me happy. Thanks.

THE LETTER : My Final Request

i typed this so that i have something to refer to when i write a letter to *** later.

HI.
Still keep the letters? Ezlin told me u were showing it off to her. It's kindof rude to me, but i guess it's okay since it was a way of u remembering me. Sorry to say but i tore em to pieces before it was thrown away. I'm mad at u and that didn't fades, but i got a little feeling of regret for throwing it away. If i didn't, atleast there's still something to prove that u were once there for me.

How's life been treating ya? U put off some weight. Why? U did looked different. I can't deny the fact that i miss u badly, even now. But that's not the main purposeof this. I wrote this so that i can let go of u. I wanted to live a free life. A free life where there won't be u anymore. A life where your presence are not needed. A life where i won't be trapped inside, won't be wondering where u are, when are u goin to be back? I want a life where i don't need to hold on to the past anymore. I want it and i need that life so badly.

And so i wanted to ask u this :
" Can u let go of me, can u pretend that i'd never existed. Can u, beyond thousands doubts, admit that u hate me so that we both can moved on without any regrets? "

I have been living a life without u, and i find it difficult without any help. I get through with it with little helps. What really help me was the fact that i cannot hold on to the past anymore. My hardest task was to admit the fact that i'm forgetting u. It hurts me so badly knowing i can't remember u anymore. It tears me up, that i cannot make new ones to prevent from forgetting u. I tried to keep the memories fresh, but i failed. And that pierce my heart painfully. What worse was that i keep it all to myself as i'm afraid that that would make me look weaker. I don't want to let everybody know that i can't live without u. I don't want to make u sad, leaving me. Cause seeing your tears are like millions swords stabbing me. Just knowing it streams down your face without seeing it are like drowning alone in deep dark icy sea.

Through those days without u, i'm trapped within anger and missing u. I'm confused.

My request, final request, was u to answer the question without breaking your heart.
I'm sorry. I miss u. I'm sorry for every drop of your tears for me. I'm sorry for every pieces of our broken heart if ever break it. I'm sorry i did this. It's for our own future. Don't miss me. I'm just a phase.

hey, sweetheart. remember me?

I hate you. But in the same time i miss you too. I miss your ego. I miss you to be mad at me, i miss myself to be mad at you. I miss the way you made me feel. I miss everytime we smile to ourselves each time our eyes met. I miss you. I hope i can write you stupid letters like the one you writtn to me. I hope i can tell you every single words trapped in my heart right now. I hope i can hug you and never let go.

How can i tell you that i missed you so damn much, if we both cant even look at each other? I realised that we both are afraid to be turn down by the fact that we can't hold on to the past anymore. How can i tell you that i still love you, if we both can't be in the same room anymore, afraid that tears would quickly streaming down our faces. I wanted to look into your eyes, talking to you, hearing your voice.

I miss you. Old sweet memories are gone now, those memories fades. I can't picture you anymore. And i don't want to forgets you. I miss you.

I FELL... Something Stupid.

If we fly, do we fall first? Do we have to fall, or we just fly straight away?
In my situation, I fell first. I spotted something, trampled and tumbled down. The bloody thing that made me was something undoubtly beautiful, and fascinating. How bloody can that be?

I was caught by the idea that i fell, heart first, onto the ground. But instead of lying on the ground, I ended up flying in the air. No, floating i guess.

Do you move?
Yea...
Then you're definitely flying.
Oh, ok.

Anyway, let's us talk about the fascinating thing that made me fell.
Let's us give it a name. "The Thing".

So... It was BEAUTIFUL ! Maybe not to others but hey! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Somehow I feel relieved that nobody else see it the way I did. And that feelings made me feel that i was actually owned it. But no, I didn't. And I realised, along long time ago, that I would never ever owned it. It would never happened.

"The Thing" would made me excited, happy, sad, thrilled nad afraid, jumbled up together, making me nauseous. I'm always looking forward to see and stare and "The Thing". Looking at it gave me hope and made me smile in an oddly kind of way.

Today was the day that i will ... ermn, see it. And i was writing this cause i don't know in what ways could i express this weird feeling of mine other than flushing it out onto some pieces of paper. I find it kinda interesting. "The Thing", interesting... I would very much like to explore it, knowing all those complicated feelings inside it, experiencing it myself, and to make it that everuthing is safe. To make me feel safe, as well.

Why? Did you feel not safe all the time?
No, it's just that...
What? You can't know it's feeling if yours too are helplessly complicated.
.... It's just a damn metaphor!
Eh, arn't you suppose to talk bout falling and flying and whatever stupid thing it was?
SHUT UP !

I hated some people that dislikes "The Thing". It was as if they didn't appreciate the masterpiece if nature.

Deyh, you're baffling.

I just wanna state that,
I fell for "The Thing", and I ddn't touch the ground, yet. (Which was something good)
Guess in the end, I fly.
I fly.

I FELL... Part 3

In one day, i managed to post something about a same thing twice, differently.
Guess what? I'm still in the air.
No touching the ground, thank God.
Things happens, and i'm glad for it to happened.
I happened to be a part-time diary of a friend last year, and i've been with her almost all the time.
We shared a lot - well we refers to her - and it's kinda interesting.
I help her cope with some difficulties and listen to her chatters everyday, and she kind of opening a window to me.
She would tell me her dreams that this would be like this when that and that happens, the perfect timing for each of her dreams to come true.
At first, i know it was possible but they're too simple, that made me think it won't be happening to her.
Slowly, things happen though not accordingly and not all of her dreams come true.
I ended up admiring her courage and wit.
I was damn jealous of her for that.
And now, i used the same thing.
Yo, i'm falling and flying dude!
So i started with hoping for small stuff, gestures, smiles and eye contacts.

I FELL... Part 2

Yessss, I'm still falling.
Hope that my feet won't touch the ground.
Hmm, I feel that my falling was not falling anymore, it's more to flying.
Aha, flying....
There's a sound. It must be him.
He must have jump into this ... err hole, to fall and fly with me.
Haaaaa.... dreams does come true sometimes.
But, huh.
I must expect the unexpected. I must see beyond the walls, the clouds and time.
Afraid that something bad unwillingly happen. Afraid that i would touch the ground once again.

I FELL ... Way Far Down.

Someone pushed me.
I fell for that someone.
Ahh ...
[Bloody stupid idiot ... ]
Alamak, i just fell for someone.
And i'm still falling.
My feet are in the air.
Yupp, no grounds ... yet.
Haish, why did i hope to keep on falling?
Erk, i'm mad kowt ...
:)
Haih, that someone ...
Come down and save me lah!
Or maybe, we can fall together?
Hahaha, falling made me smiles, all the time.
Yeah ... i keep smiling to myself since the day i fell was emm, known.

P/S : This crap was written while i was sitting for my History's paper. It's on the back of it.

TODAY

My Ma'e read my blog. I hated it. I hated everyone that can't differ their own rights with others. For them, "Yours are mine, but what's mine remains mine." Oh how i hated those people. But blogs are for public and we cannot write 'so much'. Others that knew us would possibly read and make their own horrible conclusions. I can't blame them for reading this, but please don't make unsensible rumors.
I prefer people to criticize me, infront of me but i can't accept what they were saying behind my back.
My idea of weakness and power may be unique and in the same time, 'weird' for some people for their own reasons. It's okay, they made me felt more unique and special.
Anyway, it's holiday now. And there's nothing i can do except for completing my homeworks and do my revisions. How boring. I hate it when it's holiday and there are things we have already planned to do, but have to cancelled it because of something else we didn't cared about.
It's a one-week hol, and we have to be in school, from 8.30 till 12.30 each day!

I'm exhausted.
I think it's my sleep.
Everyday i would wonder whether i would ever get a quality sleep. A nice sleep.
I'd often get sleepy in class, and the thing that made me stressed out was that i'd only get sleepy when it was Maths. Mrs. Tan was okay, she teach well. There's nothing really wrong with her.

I think i don't have the right, YET to have a nice sleep.

It's frustrating when we know we can't do anything to stop it.

It frustrating me when i know i can't stop the pain.
What pain?
You know...
No, i don't know. What i know is i am suggesting you to see a very very good doctor.
Hey, that's not nice! You just break another small pieces of my heart. I never manage to mend it the time it broke last year!

Yeah, yeah, whatever!
You know what? I gave up. I gave up to you, To ... and to them !!!
To me?
Yes, you!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!

What's The Damn Cool Bout My Blog?

I'm Lonely.
I Feel Dumb.
No Comments Please...

F***. I'm feeling silly and stupid.

Questions, Tears and Puppets. Chapter 2.

Huh...

Is there anything that could possibly distract me from everything? Just anything from everything.

My dearest wish - as i stated yesterday - was not to hurt 'Beliau' so much.

Huh...

.....

I think there might be some misunderstanding regarding the use of "Beliau" and "Dia". "Beliau" is always the same person. And "Beliau" is someone aged under 18 !! Don't you dare think that you knew this person. "Dia" is actually someone random.

.....

How i missed "Beliau". I would usually focused on the face, detecting any slightest hints of ... missing me.

Huh...

Missing the good old days.

Huh...

Still in a bad condition.

I really want to know how "Beliau" can survived? Why am i still here, standing doing nothing? Wow, didn't realize that time changes almost everything! Why and how did "Beliau" recovered so fast ?????

Please, i just want to talk to u, share everything with u, face u with all the strenght i have and say i miss u. Please.

Questions, Tears and Puppets. Chapter 1

Whoa. Never knew i would write about this again. Am amazingly suprised when a friend told me that 'dia' read my blog. Huh. That means this is not a personal blog anymore. Dowh...

.....

Do agree with these.

"How can i move on, when i'm still in love with u"
"Everything will change, But love remain the same"

This.

"I want u to know, u couldn't have loved me better,
I want u to move on, and so i'm already gone... "

And also this.

"I wish i could tell u i'm feeling better everyday,
that i didn't hurted when u walked away.
But to tell u the truth, I can't find my way"

Conclude that.

Arghhhhh! Never thought it would be a tough year. I never really did care bout that stupid exam. I just thought that maybe this year, Kak Aleen would be in the school for her first year in secondary, and i would get distracted, even just for a while.

What i want most was not to hurt 'Beliau' and in return, hurt myself so badly. How foolish. How can 'dia' stand to watch me from faraway when i can't? 'Dia' give reactions that i didn't dare to expect and it turned out to be some kind of an 'everyday expressions'. What the hell was that?

Please, i've been hoping for too long. End this hopeless waiting. I am determined to leave. I can't stand bearing the pain piercing. Can't let the tears holding back for so long. How many years do i have to wait until the right shoulder shows up? I must move on.

But how?

Yes, but how?

Run.

That's the best way. That's the solution that everyone's been using, and found nothing in the end but tears missing the past.